Over

school is over and I couldn't be any more ecstatic. I feel as if a huge weight has been taken off of my shoulders. I can breathe. I can relax. I can go out and have fun and be me and not worry about school for three whole weeks. and my grades aren't even that bad. so far three A's and one C, still waiting on two grades, one which I know is an A and the other could be an A/B. My GPA has gone up which is fantastic. I don't know how I feel about next semester yet. I have a year left of school and then I am done which is really exciting.

on another note, I think there is something wrong with my brain or me or I don't really even know. I think to much and I worry too much. I am paranoid and I don't like to tell people stuff sometimes. and I think crazy, insane thoughts. I don't even know how to explain it! I just think way to far into most situations and get stuff messed up. I just don't think I a normal but what really is normal. I really just think the chemicals in my brain are off balanced. I am different though. People are more relaxed and chill then I am and I am just bouncing off the walls.

I have a headache.

sleep

I should probably be sleeping but I was sick today and slept all day so I am not to entirely tired. I called into work which really sucks because I could have really used the money but I still have two more weeks (I think) before christmas to buy presents.
I have so much to do in the next two weeks. Finish book project, study for exams, work, prepare for christmas. I need more time in the day!
I really need to win the lottery. Or come into money some how. Is it me or does it seem the money is the root of most problems. I almost said all problems but money is too blame for everything is it? Some of the time it's a person that causes the money problems so shouldn't the blame start with the person and not money?
I am actually starting to feel tired.
Maybe I should sleep, since I have to work tomorrow.
I really wish that I went to work and wasn't sick. I really need the money.
I think I only have a few more gifts to get and I will be okay.
I am supposed to go to Georgia in the beginning of Janurary with Tanya and Sofia and I don't know if I will be able too. I want to but I just don't think I be finacially set to do so. I'd rather just get presents for twenty some odd dollars instead of having to spend about 300 on a weekend stay. That is my guess. I will just have to wait and see what happens furthur along in the next coming weeks. Maybe something will change.
I could be spending this time writing my creative writing story but nope. I only have about 14 pages and I need quite a few more. or words. I don't know. I am going to the library after my sociology test on monday and going to sit there and work on as much of it as I can for a few hours. I have nothing due in government so if I wanted I could stay in there all day and work on it. I figure I will have less distractions there instead of at home?
I am starting to yawn and I think that is a sign. I notice that if I sit at the computer for a little bit in the dark it makes me sleepy and I am in that sleepy place.
goodnight

Everything looks perfect from far away

Another day, and nothing really new going on in my life. I got out of creative writing early and came back to Clearwater Campus to get book numbers for next semester and I had some extra time to kill so I came to the library. I am sitting here listening to my iPod (right now it is on Sidways by Citizen Cope, great song) and relaxing. I have to go to Winn Dixie in a little bit to see if the new schedule is up because I was supposed to have Friday and Saturday off so hopefully I get those off because I have been working my ass off this past week and I really would like an extra day off.
I can't believe that there are only two weeks left of normal classes then exams for this semester! It has gone so fast. I can't believe that November is almost over. Where has the year gone? So much has changed in the past year it is incredible, I can't believe. I am friends again with people I haven't seen in a long time and I'm not as close with others. I miss some relationships that I had with some people and others really aren't that big of a loss.
I have been thinking about life way to much lately and it is driving me insane. I always tell myself that I need to take life one day at a time and not to worry so much but it is just to hard sometimes. I let my mind wander, and I think about stuff and I start to worry and freak out and get all upset and crazy. I was talking to Corey a week or two ago about life and stuff and how I really want to get into acting and how when people tell me that I would be a great actress it kind of upsets me because it is what I want do to and it is kind of a hard goal to reach. He then said "Not to make you upset or anything, but you would make a great actress." I know I would, I get it all the time, people tell me I am funny all the time. I could do it. I just need to figure out how. In creative writing a lot of my stuff has been getting pretty good responses and people seem to like most of what I write. I have so many ideas in my head that I really need to put out on to paper and make something of it. I know these ideas could be something big, I just don't do anything about it when I should. I keep telling myself that I will start writing them down but I never do and I am not sure when I will.
I have also been worrying a lot about relationships lately. I want to be in one but I am almost postive that I couldn't handle it. School is my number one priority right now and if I were have to have a boyfriend I don't think that I could handle it. I want to have the affection and everything that comes with a relationship but it honestly would have to be with someone who is just as busy as I am and would be okay with not seeing each other as often as we want too. I just want someone I can hang out with, watch some television or a movie, relax and have someone to be able to talk to, but have that feeling of affection and want that you can only get from a relationship. I am almost 21 and have to romatic interest in anyone really. I swear that I am going to die a virgin. There has to be osmething wrong with me. I have my pretty days, I am not horrible looking, but I am not drop dead gorgeous, I could lose a few pounds. I am not brillant but I am pretty smart, I am funny, caring, kind, spunky, daring, and intersting. I have a pretty good personality in my opinion. What the fuck is worng with me? I really should stop worrying about this and worry about what is really important and that is getting through the rest of this semester with good grades.
I really am going to try and look at the good things about life and try and not to worry so much about things that I can not control at the moment. When something is supposed to happen it will happen when it is suppose to. I am going try and not rush anything. Love will find me one day. I will have the job that I want to have. I will be in a place where I want to be.
Sometimes I think that I may have feelings for Corey. I don't really know. When he confessed to me earlier this year that he did I let him down. I did not want to be in a realtionship with someone I work with, and someone who was still in high school. We still work together and he is still in high school but it is different. He works on stock now and I am on the front, different parts of the store. He is still considered a high school student, but he takes all his classes at the college campus. He is pretty much mature for his age, and I can talk to him about almost anything. We have stuff in common. But I don't know if we would work as a relationship. Before when we stopped talking, he had a lot of emotional problems he really need to fix. Sometimes, I thought that he was more emotional then I was. There were things that I could not help him with and that I could not understand. I am not sure that I could handle that. There are a few others flaws but I really can't think about them right now.
To make things better, Jon is in Florida. I don't know where he is, but I know he is here. I really would like to have some sort of surprise encounter, but it probably won't happen. I just wish I could never think about him again. I haven't seen him or talked to him in two and half years and I think I said something to him on myspace a few months ago. Why can't I get over this?


I am lame.

class

Here I am sitting in class. Not taking notes. Not paying attention. Well I kind of am. He said something about JFK. So I am kind of paying attention! What a good student I am. I got a coffee today and that made me happy. Coffee usually makes me happy. It makes me feel more awake which is good.
I can't wait for this semester to be over. I am over all of these classes. They are good and interesting and stuff but half way through the semester (and this happens every time) I am ready for new classes and new stuff. Next semester should hopefully be fun. No night classes. Night classes aren't horrible but I don't exactly love them. I can't wait until I get my A.A. and then go on and study further into television/film/writing.
I have no idea what I want to do. I know I really want to work in the entertainment field. Acting, directing, producing, writing, everything? Sometimes, I wish life were easier to figure out, because if it were, then things would be easier and not so much complicated and I hate complicated things. I hate not knowing where my future is going now because it is kind of scary. Every day I get older and I still am not exactly sure what I want to do. I want a job that I want to have in the future. I don't want to be doing something I don't like. I don't want to work at Winn Dixie for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wish that I were younger and that I didn't have to stress about this stuff so much.
I just found out that this girl I work with got fired for stealing money from customers and that makes me so happy because we accused her earlier. But today someone came in and was like "I didn't get $50 cash back, why does this receipt say I did?" yadadadaa and the stupid little bitch with the attitude problem got fired. I wish we hired some reliable people because thanksgiving is almost here and we really need the help. No one is reliable anymore, which sucks.
I would like a boyfriend. I hate saying that but I kind of miss that feeling you have when you have someone like that around. Someone who cares in that way different from friends and family. I am a pretty simplistic person and I just want someone who I can hang out with, just watching television or movies, go out every now and then, and just talk to, but have that affection thing. I am a pretty awesome girl. I like going out and doing different things, I like things that guys like to do. I play video games, I like to be active, I like action movies. I am funny, smart, interesting, I have my attractive days, why is it so hard to find someone? I know that I am still young, but I still feel as if I am growing up, so very fast. I think I am worrying to much, I do that a lot.
My thoughts are too random and sparatic. and I think I spelt that wrong.

First

I need to start writing at least once a week. If I do that, it might help me write more and make it easier for me to write. It is my dream to be a writer or work in writing for television, movies or magazines and people always tell me to write so I really should start. I have a lot of homework to do that I should work on, but I really don't want to do it. I have a headache. I really want to get out of the house. I think I have feelings for someone who used to have feelings for me. I don't know. I like talking to them. They talk back. They listen. I like that in a person. But, there is a little bit of an age different. I know three and a half years is not much but in a way it is. I am almost twenty one and he is seventeen. He is still considered a high school student even though he goes to college. I am graduated from high school and am in college. Blah. Also a former love is coming back to Florida. I want to talk to them, maybe see them because they are always on my mind. I really want to see them. Part of me hopes that if i see them, something could happen. It probably doesn't help that they live in the northern part of this country. I hate that when I think of my future and who I see as my other I only see him and I really wish that I didn't. It makes it just a little bit harder to move on.